The unknown

If you must know, I lack trust.


I can't sleep. My tummy is growling and my throat itches. Which also means I'm feeling very hungry and I'm currently coughing my lungs out.

Testing ;)
I just had to try this out.
Goodnight dears.



- Posted using BlogPress from iPhone

Sunrise

Say you were really angry at a person, and you know exactly what it takes to break them, would you do it? Even if it requires you to lie? Maybe I would. In fact, I think I sometimes do it. Wtf, don't judge me. I suck at controlling my emotions. Anyway my point is, would you continue hurting the person once you're no longer angry at him/her?

I mean wouldn't the anger subside when you see the person you love struggling to gather themselves after what you said?

Sorry that you have to listen to all my rants about trust but I really think many people would be able to relate to this and its something that happened to me just recently.

I try my very best not to blog about my relationship with YongSern because I think it gives others the opportunity to actually judge this relationship and we all know how things get way too complicated when other people give their two pence about something so private that only belongs to you and your partner.

Anyway something happened a few days back and its got me thinking. So many of us claims that we forgive, forget and move on. I think we never really did. At least not for me. I think I never did forgive or move on, I just got tired talking about the same thing, putting the blame on someone else over and over again. Over time, it'll hopefully be forgotten. I mean if someone really did forgive and move on, there won't be any more arguements about that very incident because its over and their forgiven. Right right?

If you had a cheating partner or been through a similiar situation I guess you'll understand. What are the chances you'll start blaming yourself for thier mistakes? Not very likely for my case. I'm better at playing the blame game. What about you?

But remember this, everything something similiar happen, everything's going to hit you again like a big yellow school bus. You are going to feel insecure and you're going to wonder if history is repeating itself.





I'm still wondering whether it was really all just a lie to get me worked up or was it another excuse to hide the truth. Guess I'll never know, will I?

Then again, I've made my own fair share of mistakes and I think I pretty much know I won't make the same mistakes. So I guess even if I'm not able to completely trust someone who's failed and disappointed me, I should have some faith and give them a second chance. Who knows? They may just surprise you :)


I hope you like this post.
My next paper is on Tuesday.
Goodbye xx

We simply refused to take a step back

I was digging through my folders and searching for pics, and I honestly don't remember when was the last time I camwhored.

If you've been following me on twitter, my guess is your twitter page have been spam with emo/angry updates of mine. Sorry! I know there really isn't much difference with blogging and ranting my heart out but I always feel as if twitter's less public-ish compared to blogging. I'm weird like that, don't shoot me.

So I was looking for all the people I usually talk to, hoping they would hear me rant. After all, its been awhile since I had the whole 'breakup,heartbroken' talk with anybody. Only to realised that people around me seems to be in deeper shit than I'm in. I ended up comforting every other person I tried talking to. Oh, the irony. FML

Okay lahh, I was just joking. You know I love all of you and will gladly listen to your stories.

Would you find it hard to trust somebody who's failed you before again ?
I would.

I think I would never be able to completely trust a person who's failed me once before no matter how hard I try. Won't you? Won't there be a nagging feeling at the back of your head that every other thing he says may just be another lie he feeds you with?

They say trust is the most important thing in a relationship.

I wouldn't say its the most important thing but I do agree that it plays a pretty big part. Still I don't think its worth ending a relationship because of the lack of trust and faith I have in my partner. At least thats what I think for now.

I'll update later.
Maths paper in less than 18hours.
Wish me luck! xx

In the mean time, follow me on twitter if you haven't!

One

Hi, I went shopping after ESL and I spent again. I do feel insanely guilty :/ Maybe thats why I burnt my tongue when I was having very late lunch. FML

I am actually feeling very random and you really can't expect me to write a piece now when I just finish writing soo much for my ESL paper right right? I feed you with pictures of me and my classmates okay? *points up*

You know you love me.

x

I'm going to watch you fall, as always.

Hey loves,
I am pretty much alive :)


If you're expecting me to be writing this super long hate/emo update, well I guess I'll disappoint. Mainly because finals is tomorrow. At this very moment, the phrase 'screw finals' has been passing through my head for a few times. But come to think of it, the only way to leave everything is to excel, head somewhere new and leave everything behind. Makes sense no?


I can't find a reason to stay so isn't that a good enough reason to go?


Honestly I'm more angry than hurt. Maybe its because I'm hurt and thats why I'm angry. Oh well, more on that another day. Why let such disgusting, unimportant people affect me now anyway?



If you think I'm talking about you, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. Who knows? :D

Goodluck to my dearest P2's. I'm sure we'll do just fine tomorrow.


Signing off,
Hoeyen x

Fighter

Here I am, putting on daddy's awesome wireless headphones listening to 'The Climb by Miley Cyrus' telling myself I'm going to do something I love, calm myself down and I'll be perfectly fine.

This afternoon, I've had one of my most major panic attacks and was at the verge of giving up. I threw such a huge fit and tears were streaming down my cheek. The only thought that was running my head was I'm not going to make it and I'm going to fail, why don't I just give up? Stupid but it happened.

Guess who was right there to witness this? YongSern did. Trust me, I really hate it when I breakdown infront of anybody apart from my family members because breaking down is like admitting defeat, failure. Then again, his my boyfriend ;)

I don't know about the rest of you but I don't give up easily, especially when it comes to the things I want. I believe in working hard for what I want and I always get what I want.

I think once I calmed myself down, all it really took for me to pull myself back together was something the boyf said. I think his words were ' This isn't the Hoeyen I know. I'm going to give you some time alone for you to pull yourself back together.' I figured, he was right. I'm a fighter and I'm not going to lose. I've been slacking throughout the year, mainly because I don't know what I want.

I can't work hard not knowing what I want. Honestly, right now I'm still not really sure of what I want but what I know is that I must not disappoint myself. I know I'm tougher than this. I hate disappointing myself the most because its like becoming a total failure. Imagine disappointing other people means you not reaching their expectations which is not as bad. Disappointing yourself is like not being able to meet your very own standards which I find worst.

Truth be told, this isn't an update I'm proud of but I really needed to blog so please bear with me.

xx

Mess

Think the 3 of us at the back were trying to imitate WeiShen's trademark pose.

I opened the books and tried to study. I obviously failed. Then I thought I'll come online and blog only to realised that I have nothing on my mind. Maybe I really do need to head out and take a walk, clear my head. Who's up for it? ;)

xx